In blaming ourselves, we nurture the illusion that we have some control over life.Ĭonsider this. The tricky thing about self-blame is that, even though it hurts intensely, it also protects us from a greater pain. If you knew then what you know now, then yes, you almost certainly would have said something different, done something different, shown something different, felt something different – and so on. “Hindsight bias occurs when an individual possesses knowledge about the outcome of an event and falsely believes he or she was capable of predicting (and, by implication, affecting) its outcome.” Whatever you believe, two important words may apply: “hindsight bias.” Hindsight bias is the clinical term for that familiar adage, “Hindsight is 20/20.” More technically, according to two trauma researchers: Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too much. Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too little. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel that your self-blame is justified. Even if you regret words spoken or unspoken, actions taken or not taken, or other mistakes that you think you made, you can replace condemnation with compassion. You can talk back to your self-blaming thoughts. They infect the open wound of suicide loss, adding hurt to hurt. Such feelings are raw, painful, even toxic. I should have been able to stop my loved one from dying.įeelings of self-blame affect many people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Different people may fill in the blanks with different words, but the sentiments are the same: I am to blame.
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